post no. 244 -- hitting delete

i'm sitting at work smiling. 
smiling because you just missed her. 
you just missed debbie downer. 
penelope pessimistic. 
and angie agrivated. 

you get ashley now. 
happy, content, smiling, 

a few minutes ago i was ranting into my blogger window. writing out everything i was unhappy with. vomiting. mad about not being paid on time. being expected to do things that were above and beyond what i was hired and am paid for, mad at work in general. frustrated that what i wanted seemed so unreachable, at least for our current situation. i felt helpless, breathless, like all the life in the room was being sucked out by these feelings i was letting control me. then i realized what i was doing and clicked delete.

and you know what? i'm still kind of upset that my boss never seems to pay me on time. and i'm frustrated that i don't have the job of my dreams. but i have a job. i have a way to dig us out of this pile of bills we seem to be covered in. sure, i'm conflicted, and i feel a little crazy knowing that two things i want in life seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum, but at the end of the day, those things aren't going to have control over me. i am.

as i sit here typing this, i don't want to. because at the root of it, it's easy to be a grump, to be frustrated with your situation, to adopt a give up attitude, and just go pout in the corner. imagine how easy it would be to be a baby, and decided "you know what, i don't feel like walking, or even crawling for that matter. maybe i'll just give up." guess what, no baby says that. they cry and fuss and turn a little pink from concentrating way to hard, but after 9, 12, 18 months, they wobble, and they learn to balance a bit more, and then they walk.

having a positive outlook is a lot like walking. it doesn't come over night, it takes practice. it takes falling down and getting back up again, and repeating that process until you get it right. but at the end of the day, you will get it right, just like you learned how to walk. sometimes all it takes is hitting delete.

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy.  ~Robert Anthony

don't be most people. 

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